Terminator 2: Judgment Day 3D

Terminator 2 3D

You just can’t go around the streets killing people. Well, you can actually. James Cameron has revisited one of the key films of the 90s and possibly the greatest action film ever made. It was re-released for one night only – 29 August –  the date the T-1000 was released to an unsuspecting world. In this time-defying work Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) is whiling away the months in a state mental health facility while her kid John (Edward Furlong) is in foster care practising those sneaky skillsets that his mom has taught him because in the future he’s the leader of the humans in a machine-led dystopia. While T-1000 (Robert Patrick) has been sent back to kill John, The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has been sent to protect him in one of the greatest face-offs (literally) you will ever see. Once the computer boffin (Joe Morton) has been engaged rather forcibly to help destroy his creations (in a philosophical 360 these will destroy too) there is nothing for it but fight to the death. I didn’t like the 3D and it actually added nothing but migraine in this 4K edition. This is sensational from concept to execution. And you don’t need me to repeat the lines or the warmth between Der Ahnuld and Furlong or the genius of casting Hamilton who is ripped to the max in the greatest action role outside of Sigourney in Aliens. Robert Patrick gives me nightmares. This is future shock like no other. No need to tamper with brilliance so the visual jolts bothered me greatly:  a weird choice given that this is a warning about technology, a fever dream that has particular resonance today.  Written by Cameron and William Wisher Jr. This is intense.

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Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Beauty and the Beast 2017

It seems a little odd to suggest the obvious – that this remake isn’t as good as the original – until you recall that the 1991 animation was the first one to be nominated for the Academy Award as Best Picture. While a little flawed, it didn’t outstay its welcome. The opening narration here seems to go on for about a half a day. As voiceovers go, it’s redundant if you stick to the Show Don’t Tell rule of cinematic story:  we can SEE what’s happening as Belle (Emma Watson) trots around the village waving her book-reading superiority at her fellow natives. Gaston (Luke Evans) is a bumptious character, hilariously played and sets the tone proper with his antics chasing ‘the most beautiful girl in the village’ (hmm….) His self-love is reflected in the slavering attentions of sidekick LeFou (Josh Gad) and the opening sequence culminates in an outstandingly well done groupsing at the local inn.This is one of the film’s best scenes. Meanwhile, Belle’s papa Maurice (Kevin Kline) needs to travel for his work and promises to bring her back a rose – like he does every year. And when he finds the enchanted castle where Beast (Dan Stevens, who makes a very wan prince indeed) resides reclusively since having a spell cast upon him years earlier … Belle arrives to save him and swaps places and the rest you know. The animated houseware is now characterised through CGI and voiced among others by Ian McKellen (Cogsworth – he previously worked with director Bill Condon in the wonderful Gods and Monsters), Ewan McGregor (Lumiere), Stanley Tucci (Cadenza) and most disappointingly, Emma Thompson (Mrs Potts) whose harsh faux Cockney cannot approximate to the warmth and sheer incomparable charisma of Angela Lansbury. The whole film is shot in an incredibly dark palette which renders the experience quite difficult – made worse in 3D – and the staging is very awkward in places: the first ballroom scene, featuring the famous dance between Belle and Beast is really underwhelming (remember the brilliance of the original?) suggesting a lack of attention not just to famous musicals of the past but basic dance steps, decent choreography and a sense of magic which is nonexistent at what should have been the story’s high point. The shots are completely wrong for such a sequence. There are great life lessons in the story – misunderstanding people on the basis of their appearances, the swift way in which groups become mobs and the way that Belle is told of her mother’s death is very well done but the narrative momentum is lost to bad handling. The outstanding performance is by Luke Evans, literally pitch perfect in an overly long underimpressive production. Maybe if they hadn’t been so hellbent on making something so politically correct/gay/racially diverse they’d have had a monster film.There’s always La Belle et la Bete.

Bachelor Party (1984)

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Anyone expecting the 1957 kitchen sink realism Paddy Chayefsky mini-epic starring Don Murray is in for a surprise. This is the Eighties ‘remake’ (not really) – with a time capsule quotient of nudity, raunch, lewdness, big shoulders, bigger hair and a lot of pastels. Tom Hanks is the charming bus driver dating the gorgeous shop assistant Tawny Kitaen (remember the Whitesnake videos?!) who happens to be the daughter of a disapproving millionaire who has a much better catch in mind. This is of course all about the suspension of disbelief. I for one have never been driven to school by Hanks. Naturally the guys want a big party before Tom makes the worst mistake of his life and everything but the kitchen realist sink is thrown at making it happen and persuading him to be unfaithful – but the hookers wind up at the girls’ and perform sex acts in front of her mother. Then they go see male strippers and Mom grabs a weiner. As it were. Dad shows up at the guys’ gathering and winds up having his ass whupped by whores and being photographed for posterity and the love rival takes potshots with a bow and arrow in revenge for having his Porsche souped up. There’s a gag with a donkey on cocaine but the best of all is a funny scene at a 3D movie. It’s the little things. Hanks’ winning ways save the day, in more ways than one. And the best thing? Now I never have to watch it again! From the world of Neal Israel.

Moana (2016)

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The quest is an ancient and very potent narrative form so it was bound to inform another Disney outing, this time the vastly pleasurable story of a little girl (Auli’i Cravalho) on a South Seas island who is chosen to fulfill an ancient prophecy and be the wayfinder for her people. She’s the daughter of the island’s chief so she already has enough on her plate and by the time she’s a teenager the island’s problems are becoming hers to solve. The early parts are fast and funny, a montage of the passage of time in which she is shown to be picked out by the sea and be part of its estimable powers. She eventually takes off with the blessing of her crazy dying grandmother – with a chicken on board. She encounters the troublesome demi-god Maui (voiced by The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson) and they have adventures that are vividly realised involving coconut pirates, fire-breathing creatures and the curse of the Heart as they both help each other to achieved their intended destinies. The songs (co-written by Lin-Manuel Miranda of Hamilton fame) are passable but not really memorable and there are some longeurs but these are swiftly turned upside down (often literally) by inventive, graphic animations, both CG and traditional drawings, and a real sense of girl power. Water, eh? Who knew it could be so inspiring?! Written by Jared Bush and co-directed by Ron Clements and John Muscker. Pretty wonderful.

Zootropolis (2016)

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Aka Zootopia. I cannot say I’m a fan of the latterday PC/even feelings have feelings/self-empowerment jag that characterises feature animations. But this Disney outing is kind of cute. Ginnifer Goodwin plays Judy the bunny rabbit who goes to the big city of anthropomorphised animals and gets stuck being a traffic cop until she gets to help solve a robbery. Her ambitions are complicated by departmental shenanigans and the wily con artist fox Nick (Jason Bateman) she works with and who takes her back to her childhood:  they are a most unlikely double act who have to get to the bottom of a conspiracy involving predators that goes to the top of the forces of law and order… There are some good jokes (I especially liked The Godfather ones) and terrific action sequences as Judy realises she is the patsy in a horrible Darwinian plot. Nicely done.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

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As a Gen Xr I’m a confirmed Star Wars kid. My favourite guy in the world (okay, the galaxy) is Chewbacca (strong, mostly silent) and all I want for Christmas is a Millennium Falcon. So in theory this should be my cup of tea. Series-wise it fits into the narrative gap between Revenge of the Sith and Episode IV: A New Hope but it’s a standalone outing in a new Anthology. The omens were not good, starting with a terrible, unlikeable cast – Diego Luna, Forest Whitaker, the sibilant-averse spittle-spewers Mads Mikkelsen and Ben Mendelsohn, and the orthodontically-challenged Felicity Jones; plus a vaguely Asian rebel ensemble created by a PC/marketing combo of a diversity focus group and the Chinese market. The director Gareth (Godzilla) Edwards allegedly lost the plot early on and writer/director Tony Gilroy came in (cost:  $5 milllion US) to do a massive reshoot. He rewrote Chris Weitz’ screenplay which was based on a story by John Knoll and Gary Whitta, from George Lucas’ characters. These were just observations and rumours. That’s the business of movies. Having seen it? It looks horrible. It starts with a scenario not unfamiliar from the original trilogy with a girl, Jyn Erso (Jones) joining the rebellion against Orson Krennic (Mendelsohn) who killed her mother and kidnapped her father, engineer Galen (Mikkelsen). He winds up working as head bod on the Death Star against his will and he knows how to take it down. Darth Vader makes a return. There is the frankly questionable and weird decision to bring back the great and very dead (22 years now and counting) Peter Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin. It made me queasy. The film only gets into gear in the second hour when the rebels go after the Death Star plans against the Alliance and climaxes with what look like hyperreal WW2 antics on a beach archipelago not unlike the Palm resort in Dubai.  It all ends up in a pretty mushroom cloud which makes the Death Star very much the nuclear offender and brings us up to 1945 in real world atomic analogies. It only became my kind of Star Wars at the very, very end when John Williams’ score made a most welcome return, along with a very familiar face which is where we all came in, in 1977 or thereabouts …  There’s precisely one good line of dialogue in the entire 134 minutes and this is it:  There’s a problem on the horizon. There is no horizon. Turns out it’s not my cup of tea at all, it’s quite ghastly and I don’t care if I never see it again in a galaxy far far away or even this one. I want Chewie. Boo! Hiss!

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

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The original Fifties monster movie! This is the story of a team of fossil hunters and anthropologists on an expedition down the Amazon who discover something quite fascinating. They encounter a gill man who has evolved underwater and now has a thing for Julie Adams whom he’s observed swimming. The team get picked off, one by one, as he escapes from their boat and takes her to his cave …. Originally shot for 3D with great sequences by William E. Snyder, the creature is played by Ricou Browning in water, Ben Chapman on land. The non-amphibians are played by Whit Bisssell, Richard Denning and Antonio Moreno.  Star Richard Carlson is reunited with director Jack Arnold from the previous year’s It Came From Outer Space and plays a Californian icthyologist based in Brazil who is called in to analyse a skeletal webbed hand. Both he and Adams look very nice in their swimming togs when they take a break from romancing on the tramp steamer.  Producer William Alland based the film on a tale he was told during production on Citizen Kane, when Mexican cinematographer Gabriel Figueroa regaled him with a myth of half-human half-fish creatures in the Amazon. His notes, with some aspects of Beauty and the Beast, were expanded into a story treatment by Maurice Zimm and then the screenplay was written by Harry Essex and Arthur A. Ross.  Arnold handles this material with appropriate seriousness, getting decent performances in a story that could have descended to the ridiculous. This archetypal Universal production boasts some very influential marine photography particularly the POV shots of Julie Adams which would later resurface in Jaws.  A classic, it spawned two sequels.